


one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster

by differentsnowflake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Castiel-centric (Supernatural), Episode: s15e18 The Truth, First Kiss, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad, Season/Series 15, Speculation, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26688502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/differentsnowflake/pseuds/differentsnowflake
Summary: Tears are weird. Scientifically, Castiel knows how they are produced, how human eyes are equipped with a way to let sadness out, but they still baffle him. He hates them, because they mean someone is suffering. And he loathes when they're covering Dean's face. He hates it when they form in his vessel's eyes. He hates crying, but he can't help it."I love you, Cas, and that's the thing that's getting you killed."A long overdue confession is made, and now, Castiel has to deal with the consequences of his deal with the Empty and saying goodbye. 15x18 speculation.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 95





	one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of what I wish it'd happen in episode 18. It's based on scenes of the trailer and fandom speculation, and it breaks my heart. So, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title from "Hum Hallelujah," by Fall Out Boy.

Castiel is _terrified_ of happiness. 

It's hard, living this way, because he gets scared every time he even dares to smile. He knows it was his choice, he was totally okay with it and still is. He just- he wishes things were different.

They've still got so much going on, and little time and a lot of problems, but he's kind of gotten used to that by now. He was aware he wouldn't be happy any time soon, so that kind of relaxed him, and his only hope was to be helpful to the Winchesters as long as he could before his imminent death. 

The plan had been sort of working, until Dean -freaking Dean Winchester and his excellent timing- had decided to kiss him.

And that's it, because Castiel's been wanting this for years, and he can't shut off the warm feeling of happiness expanding through his chest. It's happiness, he knows it well, he _recognizes it_ , because it's so new to him, so human and raw and terrifying, a reminder of everything he's lost and everything he's also gained. 

Dean tastes even better than he imagined it. He's still Dean, familiar and known against his lips, but it's also a brand-new feeling, the perfect culmination of tons of daydreaming and scary thoughts he had never dared to imagine before. It's magical, it's everything he's ever wanted, it reminds why he did what he did, why he left his life and army behind, why he decided to give it all up. Because of Dean. 

It's epic, even if it happens because they're tired and Dean has had so much alcohol he's a little drunk. It's late at night and they're both smiling, and Castiel has decided he'll never get tired of seeing Dean smile. Sam and Jack have already gone to their rooms, leaving them with some whiskey and a couple of beers and a deck of cards. It's one in the morning, and human life seems to be a little sharper, a little bolder at that time.

"You should also go to sleep," Castiel says, taking the bottle of whiskey away from Dean. He loathes the way Dean's always hiding behind a bottle, and he's trying to subtly make that habit go away.

Dean nods slightly. He still has that little smile on his face, and his eyes shine against the dim lights of the kitchen. And then he's leaning forward and kissing him. Dean is _kissing him._

Dean puts a hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek, and he lets his lips linger against Cas' for a couple of life-long-seconds before Castiel has the nerve to kiss back. Dean sighs a little when Cas kisses back, relaxing against him. They kiss for a while, while Cas tries to shut off the screaming in his head, the warning shouts and the dread that he's been feeling for so long now.

It's Dean who breaks apart, and Cas likes to think that if he knew what'd come after that, he'd kept kissing for a little longer.

"That was..." Dean licks his lips, staring avidly at him. He grins, huge and real and painful. "That... I don't even know what to say, Cas. Please tell me you also wanted it."

Castiel manages to nod. 

"Yes, Dean. Of course I wanted it."

Dean nods back at him. "Good," he lets out, in a shaky breath. "That's great. I- I've been really scared of doing that, I've been terrified of doing it for so _damn long,_ but y'know what? Screw it. We're fighting God, I might as well fight my fears too. Also, I'm a little tipsy."

"Just a little?" Castiel raises an eyebrow, because that seems like the right thing to do.

Dean nudges him a little, and kisses him one more time, soft and sweet, and it feels even more special than the first time.

"C'mon, man, tell me something." Dean hisses at him after ending the kiss. Castiel is sitting on a chair by the kitchen table and Dean is standing beside him. Castiel opens his mouth, looking for words, trying to find a way to tell Dean that he's static, and that he's probably about to _die._ Dean kneels on the floor by his side, and takes his hand. It's warm and big and it feels so good. He's screwed.

"Well," he licks his lips and stares at him, enjoying the warmth of Dean's big, beautiful green eyes. "It took you long enough."

Dean gapes at him, and lets out a surprised chuckle. "Don't get sassy now, Cas."

Castiel hears himself laughing too. Writers were right, after all, and happiness is actually a perfect way to make you forget everything, even deals with cosmic entities that promised to take your life when you felt- when you felt like _this._

Cas squeezes Dean's hand, trying to concentrate on the current predicament. "Listen, Dean, I-"

And the everything starts shaking, trembling so bad the bottles fall to the floor, and the door of the fridge opens. 

"What the hell is that?" Dean grunts, standing up. Castiel also gets up, and that's when the lights vanish. It's completely dark now, and his heart starts shrinking, because he knows what comes now. God, he wishes he'd had more time to enjoy. 

Castiel guesses that was the point of the deal, after all. 

"Cas!" Dean yells, and suddenly he's holding his hand again. Castiel can see the edges of his shadow through the darkness. "Something's wrong. Check on Jack, I'll go get Sam."

And then Dean's running, and Castiel is left with his mouth open, still trying to find words he knows he won't be able to materialize. Dean is right, though, he needs to check on Jack.

He walks through the familiar hallways of the bunker, yelling Jack's name, but no one answers. He gets to the nephilim's room but there's no one there. He curses a little and runs towards the war room, hoping to see Jack and Sam in there.

When he gets there, though, he only can recognize Dean's presence in the complete darkness. 

"Sam?" Dean calls out, and Castiel walks towards the voice.

"No, it's me. Jack wasn't in his room. Why aren't the emergency lights activated?"

"I don't know. Sam wasn't in his room either. You think this is Chuck?"

"I- I don't think so. Dean, I'm pretty sure it's the empty."

Castiel can sense Dean's confusion, can imagine the estranged face and the frown. "Why the hell would it be the empty?"

Castiel sort of wants to cry, and that action still feels so new and human and vulnerable that it's frustrating. "There's- there's something I haven't told you."

"The hell are you talking about, Cas?"

Suddenly, the lights come back. The sudden brightness doesn't bother Castiel, but he can see Dean blinking rapidly, a hand covering his eyes. Every single light is on, and Castiel can hear the buzzing that so much energy accumulated makes. 

"What...?" He hears Dean croak.

"Hello, boys."

The voice is strangely known, familiar to Castiel's ears. Then Billie is walking down the stairs, smiling widely, holding her usual weapon with grace.

"Billie?" Dean takes a step towards her, fists curled and a huge frown on his face. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Dean," Castiel manages to let out. His voice is a whisper, a small desperate warning. "Dean, I don't think that's Billie."

Billie's standing in front of them now, still smiling so much her face looks contorted and unnatural.

"Your boyfriend's right, Winchester. And I have unfinished business with him."

Black liquid starts covering Billie, a thick layer of black-something that covers her body and face and draws another disturbing smile on the goo covering Billie's face.

"Now, if you excuse us," the black liquid disappears and Billie keeps smiling at them. "I've been waiting this for a long time now." She moves the scythe in a graceful arch, and Dean's not fast enough to back away.

He grunts with the force of the attack, and Castiel advances, trying to keep calm. He's okay with what comes next. He just needs to make sure Dean won't get hurt in the process. He summons his blade and stares at the Empty.

"Leave him out of this," Castiel says. "He's got nothing to do with this."

Billie chuckles and shakes her head. Dean is leaning against the wall, his right hand covering his chest protectively.

"You don't get it, do you?" She walks forward too, and stops when she's just inches away from Castiel. She moves the scythe and lets the tip linger on his throat, light enough that it doesn't hurt him, but it also becomes a threat. "I'm here to have fun."

And then she disappears, and Castiel can swear he still feels the point of the scythe pressing against his throat. He hurries towards Dean, thinking of a plan. His mind is blank, though, and he just can think about how he loathes the way their story is ending.

"Cas..." Dean chokes out, straightening. "Tell me what's going on. Now." 

Castiel worries about the way Dean's shirt is rapidly turning red, about the way his face goes pale, scrunched up in pain.

"We need to go somewhere safer first."

He takes Dean's weight, and his heart shrinks when Dean completely leans into it, which is always a bad sign. 

"Fast," he urges.

They run through the hallways, looking for a place where they'll be able to hide, lock a door. He's thinking about the dungeons, maybe draw a couple of sigils that'll give them a little while longer. But he also knows he's made a deal, and you can't escape deals, not one like this.

As they run, the lights explode on the ceiling, bathing them with yellow sparks. Castiel remembers when he used to do that, how the lights exploded when he finally Dean finally met him. He wonders if the Empty is making fun of them, and he also knows the answer is probably yes.

"C'mon, Dean," he lets out, trying to go faster.

"Oh, I love it when they run," the voice makes Castiel shiver. He looks back, but there's no one following them. He still feels like they're being followed, like they're being cornered. She's letting them run towards a dead end, towards a blind alley.

They enter the dungeon room, and Castiel deposits Dean slowly on the floor, making sure he can still hold himself that way. The wound is deep, and blood is covering them completely. He grabs the archive shelves and pushes them against the door. He knows they won't be enough to stop the Empty, but they'll probably get them some time. Long enough to explain, he hopes.

The lights suddenly dim, and everything starts shaking again. The archives boxes fall out of the shelves, and a bunch of papers cover the floor. He doesn't care right now; he has to heal Dean.

"Hey," he mutters, as gently as he can, letting his fingers caress Dean's cheek briefly. Then he remembers his hands are covered in blood, and curses when he stains Dean's face with red. "You're okay, you're okay, I've got you."

"Cas..." Dean's voice is a pained whisper, and Castiel swears he can also feel Dean's suffering he can imagine the sharp pain on his chest, and he grimaces. "What...?"

"It's okay." He puts two fingers against his forehead, concentrating on healing Dean. He feels his grace slowly leaving him, slowly entering Dean's body. He can almost see Dean's wound closing, the blood covering his chest disappearing. "I won't let anything happen to you."

When he makes sure Dean is completely healed, he helps him stand up. Dean looks a little desperate, and Castiel knows he hates not knowing what's going on.

"I need answers, Cas," Dean crosses his arms at him. "Now."

"I know, I know. I just want you to know that- that this is _not_ your fault. You just... you just made me really happy, Dean. And you didn't know."

"I didn't know _what?"_

Castiel licks his lips. He'd never thought this would be so hard to explain. 

"When Jack died- when Jack died and went to heaven, the Empty was after him. He wouldn't let him go. I- I needed to help him, I needed to make sure he was okay. I _had_ to do it, Dean, it was the only way to bring Jack back."

Dean's just staring at him, his eyes and expression heavy with confusion but also a tad of understanding, a twitch of realization.

"I offered myself. My life for Jack's." Castiel continues, and his heart breaks when Dean lets out a desperate sigh. "The Empty accepted, but- but it told me it'd come for me when I was, when I was happy. When I finally found it, it'd be the end of my days. And what just happened- Dean, I've been waiting this for so long it was probably the only thing that could make me feel happiness. And now-"

"Now it's here for you," Dean whispers. There are tears forming in his eyes, and Castiel wants to clean them away. "You didn't- you didn't tell me. I didn't _know,_ Cas."

"Of course you didn't know. I didn't want you to worry about me."

And then Dean is grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him a little with desperation and anger. "You are an idiot." He states, and his voice breaks a little. Just enough to make Castiel's eyes fill with tears too.

"Dean, you've fought for this whole world," Castiel says, letting his voice come out as raw as he can. "You're always thinking about others, about saving others, and I didn't need you fighting for me too. I can fight for myself."

"You _can_ , Castiel. I know that. The thing is, you don't _need_ to. You've got us, you've got _me._ I love you, you idiot, and that means I _fight_ for you. I'll never stop fighting for you."

"Dean..."

Tears are weird. Scientifically, Castiel knows how they are produced, how human eyes are equipped with a way to let sadness out, but they still baffle him. He hates them, because they mean someone is suffering. And he loathes when they're covering Dean's face. He hates it when they form in his vessel's eyes. He hates crying, but he can't help it.

"I love you, Cas, and that's the thing that's getting you killed."

"I- I love you too, Dean. I've always loved you. I hope you never forget that."

"We can figure this out," Dean advances a little and grabs his hand. His fingers are shaking with what Castiel supposes it's fear. "We can find a way to end the deal, or escape. Maybe there's a way to kill the Empty."

"Oh, honey, I don't think so." The voice belongs to Billie, but Castiel knows who's saying it. The door of the dungeon starts pounding, so loud and strong he knows it won't hold much longer. "You two are making this so much fun. I've always enjoyed some melodrama. It's been a really boring couple of eons. Quicken that sour goodbye, will you? It's getting kind of repetitive."

"Screw you!" Dean yells, strengthening the hold on his hand. "Leave us alone."

"No can do, Winchester. Your boy's already promised to me."

"Dean, listen to me." Castiel takes Dean's other hand, and he tries to ignore the fact that he's been wanting to be in this position for so damn long. "You have to let me go. I don't know what the Empty is capable of, but it has Sam and Jack. It can hurt you. The wisest thing to do is _let me go."_

"You know me, Cas. You know I won't do that."

"You have to."

"I said _no."_ Dean's voice is scarily steady, put together. His tears have stopped falling, and now he's acquired that cold mask that he uses when he's trying to push his fear down. "We'll find another way. We always do."

"There is no other way." Castiel's always admired Dean's stubbornness, but it seems like he's not _understanding._ The rest of their family is in danger. "It's over, Dean, I think this time for good."

"Screw that. Screw you. Why are you giving up? After all this time, don't give up now." Dean's eyes are filling with tears once again. 

"I believe I did the right thing. I've spent the last few years trying to help you, trying to help people, and I think I've accomplished it. I believe it's time, Dean, I've been alive for so long now, I've outlived most of my sisters and brothers. I believe it's time. You'll be fine. You've got Sam and Jack and a shot of being free forever, an opportunity of being truly happy. That's what I've always wanted."

"You make me happy, Cas. Please, don't-" and then Dean's voice breaks again. "Please don't leave."

Castiel wants to stay. He wants to stay forever, live the rest of his heavenly life beside the righteous man, the one he rescued from hell and taught him about free will. It sounds like a happy ending, a good one. It's the ending he wants.

He also knows it's impossible. Angels don't have happy endings. They die in battle, protecting the things they believe in. And Castiel believes in the Winchesters, Jack included, so this is the ending he's always been predestined to.

It's the ending he deserves.

"You're worthy of it all, Dean. You're worthy of love and happiness and good things. Please don't ever forget that."

Castiel rests his hand against Dean's shoulder, in the same exact spot where he touched him for the first time. His hands are still covered in fresh blood, and he stares at the red hand print he's left in Dean's jacket. He likes it.

"Just kiss me," Castiel mutters, his face pressing against Dean's.

Dean engulfs him in a desperate kiss, one that tastes of tears and despair. But Castiel still loves it, and kisses back with all the intension he can muster up. If this is the last time he'll ever see Dean Winchester, he'll make sure to form memories he'll hold on to when he's alone, drowning in nothing for the rest of eternity.

"Thank you," he adds, speaking against Dean's lips. "For everything."

The door bursts open in that same moment. Billie -The Empty, Castiel remembers- waves at them with a smile and a little clap.

"Oh, that was so sweet. You guys, always knowing what to say. Now, if you excuse me-"

The Empty snaps her fingers with a bigger smile, and Castiel vanishes, engulfed by darkness and nothingness and the little spark of happiness that condemned him in the first place.

* * *

Dean's brain can't process what just happened. He's aware he's sliding down against the wall, his hands pulling desperately at his hair. He's aware of the tears covering his face and he's aware of the loud sobs leaving his mouth. Everything else is darkness and despair and a deep ache that won't ever leave him, that has settled on his chest, nagging and ripping his insides to shreds. 

Sam and Jack eventually come back, but Dean cannot speak. He can't explain, he doesn't dare to materialize the facts with words. It'll just make them more real.

Sam worries and asks questions and yells a little, wonders where Castiel is. Dean still can't speak. 

Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Billie's disturbing smile and Cas' body disappearing, vanishing in a black, thick goo with a smell that makes him gag. He remembers Castiel's lips against him, caressing and dancing and existing. He remembers, and he wishes he didn't.

It takes him a while to start talking again. Sam is sitting by his side, an arm curled protectively around Dean's shoulders, saying nothing. Jack is sitting on the other side, staring at his hands, tears welling up on his eyes.

"Cas is gone," he croaks out, so quietly and broken that he doesn't even hear himself.

"Dean?" Sam asks, leaning forward to approach his lips. "Did you say something? C'mon, man, talk to me."

"Cas is gone," Dean repeats, and then he's sobbing again.

The next few days are a whirl of misery. There's Michael and there's Lucifer and there's Amara and there's Jack and there's Chuck.

There's Sam.

But there's no Cas.

And then it's all over, and Chuck is gone and Michael is gone too. Lucifer vanishes and Amara smiles and Jack fights and wins. It's _over._ They're finally free. But there's still no Cas, and Dean can't have that.

Sam's standing by his side when they finally get to leave their battle ground. He's been treating Dean like he's about to break, and he knows he kind of is. They get on the Impala, and Dean starts the car, and stares at the road ahead of them.

"Now what?" Sam asks hesitantly, pursing his lips.

They can do whatever they want right now, but there's only one thing that Dean wants to do. That he _needs_ to do.

"Now I get my angel back."

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know why I did this to myself.
> 
> English is NOT my first language, so grammar mistakes are totally on me. Sorry if the writing is kind of weird, I'm new to this whole writing-in-english thing.
> 
> I just hope this doesn't happen, and if it does, I need Dean to get Cas back. I need it. Honestly, if Cas isn't in the last episode I. WILL. RIOT.
> 
> Comments mean a lot to me!  
> Hope you liked it.


End file.
